i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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