I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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