i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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