never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
