I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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