Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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