just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
