2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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