Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
