New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Randomize
