I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave