Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(818): View more from California

I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.

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(614): View more from Ohio

THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.

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23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Read it at the TFLN blog
(402): View more from Nebraska

She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.

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(917): View more from New York City

This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?

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(616): View more from Michigan

my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!

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(352): View more from Florida

I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave

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