first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
