I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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