Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
