if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
