if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Let's get the cat blown out
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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