I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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