Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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