WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Found your dick twin last night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
