I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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