Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
