my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
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