I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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