This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
