I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
