I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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