I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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