I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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