i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
