I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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