this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
