I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
