I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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