About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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