if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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