I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
