my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
