I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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