you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I currently don't understand fingers.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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