i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
