thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
