She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
