I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
