Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
