I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
