Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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