he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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