I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
