I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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