Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
