I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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