Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
