did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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