Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
