It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
