My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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