Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
