I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
