I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
